Triggers

Most people with depression have triggers. I was unable to completely identify mine until more recently. I have been in counseling this time for over two years. I started back up after a huge break-up. I was devastated to say the least. I wanted to stop the negative behaviors I knew I had which were affecting my life. I just did not know how. I uncovered even more throughout the years. Counseling will be discussed more in another post…

History plays into triggers. Why depression does have a chemical component, there is usually an environmental component as well. Did you know during brain development…even in the womb…the brain will “re-wire” to adapt to the environment? Such is the case for me. I am unsure the complete environment while I was in the womb. I know my father was an alcoholic. My mother smoked…and I am not sure what else. There was a toddler in the house. The relationship between my mother and father was not the best. I know shortly after I was born my mother left. My sister and I were raised by our alcoholic father. Most of my memories are “suppressed”, as a form of self-preservation. We were neglected. I do have some memories of being left alone. There are some other memories as well which are too vulnerable to share in this setting. As I grew up memories are harder to suppress. My mother was absentee. She physically was around when she was not working the afternoon shift leaving at 1pm and returning around 2am…So you can imagine the amount of time I saw her. Neither of my parents came to any choir concerts, cheerleading events, etc. My father went into AA. Got remarried. We were treated poorly by his new wife. Definitely considered the step-children. She would take money meant for us to get clothes for school and spend it on her own children. When I was about 8, my half-sister was born. My father held her and said “tell … she is not daddy’s little girl anymore, you are” Talk about tearing apart a child. There are more stories to share, but they are not the point. 

The point is there are triggers. My two main triggers are:

1. Not being good enough…I felt I had to do everything right to be loved by my parents.

2. Being/feeling alone…I have always had to deal with everything myself. I am not understood. No-one knows the depth of my pain. No-one is able to love me for who I am. 

My triggers are reinforced by making a mistake at work. A fight with a loved one. Negative thinking. Which is a huge factor in continuing in depression. Sometimes I am able to stop and refocus and other times I am not.

I have been able to manage my depression better as I have improved my self-esteem. Identifying triggers helps you be able to see them. It may not be till after you spiral. It is hard to stop a depression spiral. The triggers are what cause the brain to release the chemicals which are linked to the depression and initiate defense mechanisms to “self-protect” as it has had to so many times before. Our brains try to self-protect, but as we get older they become walls and revealed in unhealthy ways. 

My question to you…What are your triggers? Do you know?